Whose Life Are You Ruining Now, Lance Armstrong?


Guest Post

Laura Crawford

Multiple blog commentator.

Whose Life Are You Ruining Now Lance Armstrong?

Cancer Survivor, Seven Time Tour De France Winner, Father, Energy Drink Hocker, and Ruiner of Lives. Yes, Lance Armstrong is all of those things. During his time in the limelight Lance has ruined the lives of many people. Despite the sale of millions of live strong bracelets, karma has not made Lance a better man. Here are the top three groups of people/people who have had their lives ruined by this eco-friendly egomaniac with a taste for boney chested celebrities.

3. Cancer Survivors–It used to be that being diagnosed with cancer was a death sentence. Now, thanks to advances in medical technology, cancer survivors are living longer and doing more things than they could ever have imagined. But until a few years ago, if you survived cancer, shit! well good for you, take some time off. Anything a cancer survivor did warranted applause and congratulations, you went back to work? Good for you! You did a walk-a-thon to raise money for cancer research? Wow, aren’t you an inspiration! Then that fucker Lance Armstrong comes along and blows through SEVEN TOUR DE FRANCE COMPETITIONS, one of the difficult physical challenges, that makes trembling jelly out of the most trained thigh muscles in Europe. Armstrong was so good at beating the hell out of Frogs and whoever else got in his beady field of vision, that everyone assumed he must have been juicing. All of that with cancer! Now suddenly, cancer survivors pain and struggle to recover seems a little less significant doesn’t it? Your own cells turning against you is now treated like a strained hammy. Cancer survivors now look like a bunch of creepy, bald, pussies, thanks to Lance Armstrong.

2. Owen Wilson–By all accounts, Owen Wilson has lived a rather charmed life, despite having a haircut best suited for Jodie Foster, Wilson has managed to write a few successful screenplays and star in many lucrative/vomit inducing films. But with such a mangled nose how could we expect Wilson to sniff out the Big as Texas rat that cycled in his midst? Wilson and Armstrong had many things in common, a love of the outdoors and riding horses. Not only could Armstrong not be happy being a celebrity/athlete and fucking the mother of his children, but he could not be happy only fucking Wilson’s cast-offs. Perhaps Armstrong thought that after a suicide attempt Wilson would really enjoy having his girlfriend, Kate “Poor Man’s Yoko Ono” Hudson, swept out from under his bandaged wrists, by a man with half the balls and twice the well, cajones. I`m sure Matthew McConaughey and Wilson love to split a bong and bottle of tequila while scrolling Perez Hilton for pictures of their buddy and Penny Lane trolling around LA with her transgendered spawn.

1. Chad–Less well known than both cancer survivors and Owen Wilson is the latest subject of the series Intervention, Chad, the crack addict, is possibly the greatest victim of the Lange Armstrong affect. Chad a So-Cal native and troubled product of divorce took to lighting fires in his youth, and the police took to locking him up in juvie. Cycling became Chad’s refuge and he excelled, winning races and even making it to one of the most prestigious cycling teams in the nation, the United States Postal Service, which also happened to be ruled by King Armstrong. Chad, not being much of a hero worshiper, felt the best way to make an impression on his new teammate was to poke him in the stomach and call him dough-boy. You might think that having cancer would take the piss out of someone, make them approach situations with a bit of levity, realizing how trivial weight criticisms seem when compared to tumors in your scrotum. You might be wrong, because as soon as Lance made this incident known to the powers that be at the United Postal Service team, Chad’s contract was not renewed and he bottomed out in a cocaine and alcohol binge. After being fired from four more teams Chad became a homeless crack addict. Way to go Lance! You really helped an obviously emotionally damaged, up and coming cyclist. You can watch Chad’s downfall here.

There you have it Lance Armstrong, the selfless, the humble, the giving cyclist we have all come to love as a nation. Whether you’re a friend, a teammate, or fellow survivor of cancer, be assured Lance Armstrong will ruin your life.

Lance Armstrong

9 Responses to “Whose Life Are You Ruining Now, Lance Armstrong?”

  1. quality 😀

  2. 2 Nick

    What, and Jake Gyllenhaal’s questionable sexuality escapes unscathed? I demand an addendum to this post.

  3. 3 Paul Gunther

    Members of my family were involved in junior cycling at the time Chad was up and coming in Northern California (NC). Because of that relationship, I have some truths about Chad.

    He had and still has immense raw talent, tolerance to pain unmatched and virtual no self control or discipline. Likewise this guy is as smart as they come and could read any race at any time, he won over ninety local, regional and international (second tier) races through a combination of talent and smarts.

    The bit about him and Lance Armstrong (LA) is true, but it is more about personalities and politics that shaped the USCF than anything else. At the time Chad was a last year junior, the USCF had a group of juniors put together through politics, nepotism and favoritesChad was not one of them. There were some really good riders, i.e. Hincapie, Rodriguez, Evanshine, Matt Johnson, noe of these were any better than Chad. Additionally, there was an equally good bunch of frustrated juniors who were never given a change.

    The junior coaches Rene Wenzel and Chris Carmichael played favorites and really screwed up the program. On top of that there were rumers of drugging etc. which are substantiated, Wenzel was sued later on alleging just that. At every National race, I watched the entire Jnior National team work against Chad – no wonder he had an attitude.

    The USCF spent thousands of dollars on Evanshine and Johnson. Evanshine, who also had a temper and attitude quit when he was 19 and Johnson dropped out to go to college, while there a bunch of young aspiring cyclists given no support at all. Chad was on top of that scrap heep.

    In the senior ranks, the USCF was blinded by LA’s world class gifts and subordinated all other great riders off that era. No matter that LA was and is the best, others should have been given equal opportunity. That’s why, Bobby Julich, Fred Rodriguez and Kevin Livingston, all riders that Chad raced with and beat at times in his career, never rode for LA because every one had to subordinate their desires for LA on his team.

    Chad’s free styling personality did not fit well with cycling discipline. The only time he succeeded was with Eddy B on Montgomery Bell and US Postal. After Eddy B was aced out by Mark Gorski, Chad was dropped off the team and his career was never the same.

    Lastly, I do knowthis about Chad. He might have been caught up in the world of liquor, pot and crack, he never ever used anything when he raced. Thusly he was beating guys using EPO, HGH, cocaine and whatever else as well as teams of riders ganging up on him. He won over 90 races. That, to me, says a whole lot about the guy!

  4. How in the world do you come to such asinine conclusions?

    1) Armstrong is responsible for our society’s unrealistic expectations of cancer survivors because he had the will and fortitude to not only beat cancer but go on to do what he most likely would have done anyway?
    Did you actually attend that logic class you signed up for in college?

    2) You are blaming Owen Wilson’s fall from grace on Lance Armstrong?
    Why must women blame every relationship gone awry on the new guy? Does it ever occur to them that maybe the scorned actually deserved what he got, or didn’t as the case may be? Lance didn’t steal away anybody’s girl. Owen Wilson is a tool; a product of marketing hype at best. Feel sorry for him if you must, but it was his lack of “cojones” that lost him the girl not Lance Armstrong.

    3) Are you serious? “Chad” is an addict and a loser, and was destined to end up a bum. Did you even read what you wrote? He has been in an out of jail his entire life. The bleeding heart liberals would have you believe that some “thing” caused his demise, but the truth is, he showed all the signs, and exhibits all the behaviors of a guy that can’t handle reality and is so weak he can’t keep from destroying himself. I believe Paul Gunther’s information is fairly accurate, but “the bit” about his interaction with Lance Armstrong suggests “the junior” cyclist had a nary a cup of coffee with Lance, made a joke that Lance didn’t find all that funny, and now blames all his troubles on “someone else!” This is typical addict thinking; it’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault.

    Seriously, you can hate Lance Armstrong if you want. But, spend a single day in the shoes of any celebrity and you will quickly find out just how much people want of you. Everyone has to draw the line in the sand somewhere, and yes, it does tend to make you look like an ass to those that only view you from a distance and don’t know you. It’s so easy to cast disparities, isn’t it? Hell, I do it all the time myself, but I doubt I have ever made such huge errors in logic as I have read here.

    Damn Lance Armstrong for winning all those Tours! Damn him to hell!

    Oh, I ganja!
    Fellow cancer survivor bearing absolutely no ill will toward Lance Armstrong for being a man

  5. 5 poliology

    Oh my god, a lecture on logic from someone who doesn’t understand basic satire. Congrats, champ

  6. Sorry, I didn’t catch your lecture on logic, but dude, don’t beat yourself up so. Many people confuse farce with satire; it’s a common mistake.

  7. 7 cokat

    You have serious anger issues. Your foul language usage is indicative of that and a poor education. People can only be responsible for themselves, their actions and their thoughts. The world would be a better place if we all believed and lived this concept.

  8. 8 poliology

    Listen up one last time world,

    This will probably be the last time this blog is used. And it’s because of people like cokat here, who are so completely idiotic they cannot understand when something as completely ridiculous and obviously satirical in nature, is a joke.

    Congratulations, the world is worse off for having you in it, you stupid piece of crap. I know that spending your friday night searching through old blog posts is thrilling (hey look at me now), but please think before you say/do/write anything.

    Who the heck (again, can’t curse for your delicate eyes) would actually think that if someone gets kicked off the team for bad behavior, its the team captain’s fault. Let alone when that person is Lance Armstrong.

    People like you must watch the Colbert Report and think, “Jesus, we gotta do something about those bears!”

    In case you did continue reading cokat, let me explain the premise. No one in this world has ever had bad things to say about Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong jokes are very similar to the number of his testicles: there’s just one (and its about the testicle). Every now and then it’s fun to completely ridicule this situation by pretending to attack him on completely ridiculous criteria. You know why? Because no one should have that type of burden placed on them. To be flawless, the definition of perseverance–no one should have to deal with that and take it 100% seriously.

    The fact that Lance is making a come back this year and could very well lose makes something like this post all the more important. Sure it’s nice to have heroes, but its best to put things in perspective. I would sincerely hope that Lance Armstrong doesn’t believe all of the stuff we’ve come to believe about him. Because that would make him an arrogant jackass.

    Much like someone like Chad, who as one above commenter pointed out, was incredibly talented but an irresponsible loser. As another commenter pointed out, he sat around all day annoying people for money. Everyone knows its Chad’s own fault for not succeeding. How you could turn this post into some sort of Rush Limbaugh wet dream is shocking.

    Take care, and something entirely new is in the works, should I decide this is the end of poliology.


  9. You guys are tools, it was clearly a joke. Stop being morons and calm down.

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