Couldn’t Help It; Rachael Ray is a Terrorist

28May08

The blogosphere and mainstream media finally caught on to what Anthony Bourdain has been saying for years: Rachael Ray is a terrorist.

News broke yesterday that blogger Michelle Malkin was considering a boycott Ray-endorsed Dunkin Donuts because the culinarily-challenged Ray wears what Malkin labels a keffiyah, which apparently “terrorists” use as “anti-Israel” code.

First of all, let’s remind ourselves that Israel, by sources other than its own propaganda, is an apartheid regime, formed as a consequence of the actions of another apartheid regime. Let’s also remember that the Jewish homeland, according to the Old Testament, is the Jewish homeland exclusively because some guy, after wandering for years in the desert told his followers that “God” (the same one who talked to a sole person [who may have been on hallucinogenic drugs] in the form of a burning bush) told them that this other city, which was already built by other people, was actually for the Jews. Let’s also remember that the Jewish people were forced into exodus because they rose up against (you guessed it) an apartheid regime that treated them as slaves. Moral of the story–no race or religion of people is inherently good or bad, but apartheid regimes sure seem to be inherently bad. Change, not in the form of Israel’s destruction, but in the form of making its policies more inclusive, is necessary.

(I, for saying something which seems pretty sensable, have now been placed on the fringe. Please join me.)

Regardless.

Malkin admits that Ray pitched similar “scarves” for Urban Outfitters, which being based in America and being really, really expensive, is naturally the favorite store of Palistinians and not upper middle class white girls entering college who think they are edgy or something. But no, there was a conspiracy afoot in Dunkin Donuts’ advertising, reaching far beyond the mental and emotional terror of just having to see and hear Rachael Ray everyday (as the header for this blog should indicate, I’m based in Cambridge, so you can’t “pahk ya’ ca’ in Hah—-oh fuck it, and everyone who ever has said it–without seeing a dozen DDs on your way). No no, Dunkin Donuts, who have a strict policy on hiring only legal immigrants and actually busting illegals who have used fake social security numbers, are implanting Jihadist messages into the minds of fragile Americans.

Or maybe not. In their statement responding to Malkin, Dunkin Donuts said of the sca keffiyah:

Rachael is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design that was purchased at a U.S. retail store. It was selected by the stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended.

So it was a scarf! No reason to pull the ad or anything then, right?

However, given the possibility of misperception, we will no longer use the commercial.

Nevermind.

Consider this. If you read this, you just spent about 5 minutes of your life you’ll never get back reading about something Rachael Ray wore. I spent about 35 minutes writing this. It probably took Malkin a very long time to construct this little protest entry, as there were some pretty big words in it. Dunkin Donuts probably spent thousands on the commercial. This story was picked up by every national news channel when we are at WAR which no one seems to actually care about anymore. Rachael Ray was put into the public eye. Was this all worth it to you, Malkin? All this stupid fucking whining over a non-issue? It is a non-issue because we have a first amendment, that for all I care allows Dunkin Donuts to show Rachael Ray getting gang banged by Bin Laden, Musharraf and the corpse of Yasser Arafat. They didn’t do that though. They showed a woman in a fucking scarf, and you use that opportunity to spread more islamophobic propaganda, that will, in the end only get more Americans and Israelis killed. Thanks you fucking asshole, way to really help America’s standing, because it wasn’t enough that President Bush called anyone who even speaks with someone who opposes Israel an appeaser, and that Ahmedinejad is the modern Hitler. You’ve really elevated the dialogue.

But sincerely, thanks for making Barack Obama’s chances of getting elected even better. This country is smarter than the dumb, racist non-college educated white people in Kentucky and West Virginia, and we will prove that in November.

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2 Responses to “Couldn’t Help It; Rachael Ray is a Terrorist”

  1. 1 Laura

    Just how long did Malkin “consider” a boycott for? Long enough for her ridiculous opinions to get thoroughly washed through the news cycle or just until she got a free iced tea after the Red Sox won a game? (offer only available after 10 am the day after the Red Sox win).


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